


december 25th: half my heart

by watergator



Series: december fic advent 2019 [25]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Era (Phandom), Fluff, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21961690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: prompt: homeafter a difficult family dinner dan misses phil on christmas day
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: december fic advent 2019 [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559341
Comments: 10
Kudos: 163





	december 25th: half my heart

Dan pauses on the stair when he hears voices come from the kitchen, wafting upwards in a series of chatter and laughter.

He groans, as does the step underneath his foot. He’s not sure when Christmas morning had turned into Christmas evening already with family already starting to fill the house, along with the turkey almost ready, hence why his nana had been calling him down to help set the table.

He slides into the kitchen, hoping that maybe he’ll go unnoticed, but unfortunately his tall and lanky stature is what gives him away, and one of his great aunts is calling him over and trying to make small talk.

He sighs and leans on the counter as he listens to her ramble on and on. 

He’s started to believe he’ll be trapped here forever until his nana appears out of nowhere, like some sort of grandmother  _ magic. _

“Daniel, dear, grab me the cutlery from the drawer, will you?”

Dan sighs in relief, never in his life has he been more happy to be made to do a little bit of manual labour.

He’s able to slip away from his great aunt and help his nana set the table for dinner.

He turns around and sees that more people have arrived. It's his dads side of the family; the weird sheep farmers that he only has to see once a year, but even that seems to too much for twelve whole months.

He reluctantly says hello, shakes some hands and has wet kisses on his cheek that he rubs at when their backs are turned.

The more people that come in, the more Dan’s stomach starts to crawl. He feels likes he’s walking on eggshells, just waiting for someone to say something to him.

And as soon as they’re all sat down to eat, Dan keeps his head down and tried to be as vague as he could in conversation.

He hears it ping pong from each family member; the ask Adrian how school is, he gives a boring answer, someone else asks how the church is and his nana talks about their Christmas and New Years Plans and Dan thinks for a moment that’ll be it, and soon enough he’ll drink his wine and finish his food and manage to slip away once again.

But just as he’s swallowing down his last mouthful of turkey, he hears his name being said from across the table, making his head snap upwards.

“Huh?” He grunts.

“I asked how that internet job of yours was doing,” his aunt's husband asks. He has the kind of face that Dan hates; the kind of face that makes him want to punch it, if he was the kind of person that punched others.

He takes a sip of his wine and hums. He needs some liquid courage for this kind of conversation.

“It’s good. We’re supposed to be getting some news about the BBC soon, the uh, the show is on later today actually.”

His uncle looks at him, running his tongue along his teeth with a wicked grin.

“Oh,” he says. “So we’ll all get a hearing of this so called radio show, shall we?”

Dan feels his grip grow tighter on his fork, and his eyes flicker to where his nana is sat between his parents. She’s giving him a warm look; a look of love and understanding.

He looks back at his uncle. “Yeah,” he tells him. “It’s gonna be good I think. Me and Phil are hoping that it’ll be more than just the radio show after today,” he says, trying to joke.

He realises that he’s let Phil’s name slip when his uncle narrows his eyes at him.

“Phil, hm?” His aunt asks. She’s cutting up her turkey into little pieces and it’s staring to drive Dan mad as he watches.

“Uh. Yeah. He’s my housemate.”

She looks up from her plate and shoots him an incredulous look. 

“Housemate?” She asks. “Aren’t you a little old for that? The internet job not paying enough for a big old house for yourself?”

Dan grits his teeth and forces himself to match her wicked smile.

“Phil’s really good. He’s a good friend.”

He ducks his head down after that and shoves a forkful of soggy, undercooked carrots into his mouth, grimacing as he swallows them down.

“A good friend, eh?” He hears his uncle say from across him. “Not too close I hope. Especially with all those…” he pauses and Dan looks up to see him waving his fork around. 

He glances up to look at Dan straight in the eye.

“One of those bumboys I hear are starting to come out of the woodwork.”

Dan swallows thickly. He suddenly doesn’t want anything more off his plate as he stares down the man ahead of him.

Nobody says anything for a moment, until Dan hears his dad let out a low chuckle and Dan only feels his heart sink lower.

“Ha,” he says bitterly and Dan has to look down again, only because he’s afraid if he looks anybody else in the face he might burst into tears

“As if. Daniel ain’t like that, are you boy? I think I’d know if my own son was a poofter,” he jokes, and his uncle laughs along with the joke. 

Dan takes another sip of his drink and lets the warmth of the wine soothe him.

“Can’t say the same for that Phil lad though,” his dad comments, a mouthful of food. “Odd one he is,” he looks at Dan just as he looks at him.

“He queer, is he?”

Dan feels enraged, the way his own father spits that word out like that like it’s something dirty and disgusting.

He notices how his mum, grandparents and even his own brother have looked down and away, as if to avoid the conversation entirely.

His heart aches in his chest when even his nana doesn’t look up at him.

He swallows and shakes his head. “No,” he says weakly, quickly clearing his throat. “No, he’s not.”

His dad stares him down before he’s making a grunting noise and going back to his dinner, clearly not convinced.

“Could have fooled me. Proper gay boy he is.”

He’s talking to his uncle again now and Dan seriously thinks if he doesn’t stop himself now he’s about to burst into tears.

His vision blurs, his turkey dinner going all wishy washy as he sucks in a breath.

Conversation continues around the table, but Dan doesn’t pay enough attention to find out what it is they’re talking about.

Probably more homophobic and bigoted comments, maybe something racist and sexist just for the fucking hell of it all.

He thinks about Phil, how ashamed he is of himself for not being able to properly stand up for him. He knows Phil wouldn’t care – that’s the kind of person Phil is.

But he imagines Phil at his own family table right now, probably laughter shared between him and his parents, talking with joy and excitement about the show later on, the promise of a steady career as they cheer him on like they always do.

He thinks about how much he’d give just to have that, even for a moment, just to have some supportive family that actually cares.

He finishes his food, excused himself from pudding and has to convince his nana that he’s full up from all the vegetables and needs a lay down in his room upstairs.

As soon as the door is shut a few frustrated tears slip down his face.

He’s reaching for his phone, holding on tight like it’s his last lifeline as he types out a shaky text with trembling fingers.

_ can you talk? _

His phone is ringing just a few minutes later.

He presses it to his ear with a keen eagerness.

“Hey you,” Phil’s voice is so comforting and it only makes more tears form behind his eyes. “Still alive after your dads cooking then, hm?”

Dan says nothing, trying to hold back his tears and Phil’s teasing seems to fade away completely, voice a touch more serious when he says,

“Dan?”

The tears come harder now, snot as well as he lets out a choked sob. He sits on his little single bed, the mattress creaks under his weight and all of a sudden he feels eighteen again, stuck in this horrid brown room with only Phil’s voice on the other end of a crackling line to comfort him.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Dan sniffs, trying to get his crying to cease before someone hears him.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Phil’s voice is calm and quiet, and it’s then that Dan realises that there’s no background noise. He imagines Phil excusing himself to a different room, maybe Kath telling Phil to give him her love.

The thought only makes his heart hurt all the more.

“I just fucking hate it here,” Dan spits, anger now bubbling up over the hurt. “I hate them, Phil, I fucking  _ fucking _ hate them.”

He lets out another few sad sounding sobs and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

He cringes and flops back on his bed.

“I hate them too,” Phil says after a while. “Nobody should be crying on Christmas.”

Dan stares up at the same boring ceiling he’s grown familiar with over so many years.

He huffs out a half hearted laugh.

“You’re so corny,” he croaks. “You belong on one of those made for telly Christmas movies.”

Phil laughs back and it feels like magic.

There’s silence for a little while and Dan can just about hear people moving around downstairs. Someone laughs and it makes him feel a bit ill again.

“I don’t think they care about the radio show,” Dan says honestly. “They just cared about being twat faced arses about it.”

He bites his tongue from mentioning any of the cruel comments they made about Phil; he doesn’t need his Christmas ruined either.

Phil tuts, like he’s genuinely annoyed too now.

“They have no taste,” he sighs. “The show is gonna be so good, they’re the ones missing out.”

He can tell Phil’s trying to make him smile again, maybe even laugh, but all Dan can think about is those cruel words tossed around the dinner table like they were nothing, and how he’s probably going to be thinking of them, even when he gets home to London.

“Phil?” He asks, his voice small.

“Yeah?” Phil says back, voice feeling just a tiny as his own.

“Tell me about your Christmas,” he asks him as he curls up, his thumb finds its way between his teeth as he worries his nail down.

Phil makes a soft kind of laugh, mainly because Phil’s already given him a run down of his Christmas morning, as soon as they’d woken up they were on the phone to one another, sleepy voices and happy sounding conversation had made Dan wish he was with him instead of being so far away.

“Well, my mum made a turkey, it was really good, I’m looking forward to turkey sandwiches for the rest of time,” he laughs and Dan hums along, a showing of him listening.

“My brother got me socks which are actually super comfy—“

Dan listens to Phil ramble on about the day he’s already been informed on, just so it’s something he’s listened to as he tries to let the negativity that’s bouncing around his head fade away.

Phil laughs through funny anicdotes and stories that have already happened and Dan half laughs along.

He’s feeling sleepy now, mentally and physically and he could easily just fall asleep up here, curled around his phone and let the day roll over.

But he knows soon enough his nana will be calling him down for snacks and his dad might want him to help start the fire in the living room.

He feels angry again at the idea of having to spend another second with those people, but he listens to Phil on the other line talk about his parents and what they got him.

It makes him snile, to know that at least Phil is having a good Christmas with his family.

“—-and mum said that you should come over next year, maybe closer to Christmas, like a couple days before or summin’” Phil carries on, his voice thick with his Northern accent.

Dan’s lips curl into a happy smile and he’s glad that Phil isn’t here to see him being all blushy like this because he’d definitely be poking fun at him right about now.

“Really? Your mum said that?” He asks, voice low like it’s some sort of secret.

“Uh huh,” Phil says. “Dad agreed it was a good idea. Your family now so it only makes sense you spend time with us.”

Dan isn’t sure what to say at first, as he feels tears burning behind his eyes once again and he blinks as the fall down his face.

“Oh,” his voice cracks. “Okay. Yeah.”

He can almost feel Phil smile through the phone.

“Yeah. And then one day we’re gonna have our own Christmas together. It’ll be the best ever, even if I end up burning the dinner,” he laughs.

Dan laughs as well and he feels more tears spring to his eyes, imagining the world where he gets to enjoy his Christmas with Phil and his family. He imagines kissing him beside the tree and telling him he loves him as he passes him his presents, watching his face light up as his family sit around and watch and laugh.

His heart aches for it. He hears his dad swear from where he is in the kitchen and he swallows thickly.

“Do you promise?” Dan asks in a small voice.

There’s a beat of silence for a moment before Phil speaks, voice crackly over the speaker but his sincerity is clear as day to him.

“I promise, Dan,” he whispers. “Someday we’ll have a Christmas just for us.”

Dan sniffs, wiping away the last of his few tears and he smiles.

“I love you, you know that?”

His heart feels so full right now despite how he was feeling just moments before this phone call.

Phil sighs, something happy and content.

“I love you too,” he tells him.

“Merry Christmas, Dan.”

Right now he feels closer than close, more loved up than he thought possible. He wants to stretch and squeeze and fit himself into the phone and be there with the man he loves.

He wants to fuck off his stupid horrid family and feel himself be embraced with the family he cares about. He wants to feel Kath’s kiss on his cheek and Nigel’s clasp on the back and Martyn’s awkward handshake.

He feels at home there, more than he’s ever felt here.

And maybe someday it’ll be different; maybe his family will grow and change and mould into the people Dan craves in his life.

But until then, he’ll put on a brave face, and count down the days until he can take the train home back to London and back into Phil’s arms, because that’s where he feels at home most.

He finds himself smiling so wide that it feels like his face might break in half… not that he would mind that right now.

“Merry Christmas, Phil.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr!! @watergator


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